Spousal Abuse

The Victim and the Abuser

Sadly couples struggle daily with emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual abuse. The major cause of these behaviors is three fold. First there may be a personal belief hat is out of tune with reality. Some men and women live a practical theology that diminishes and minimizes their partner. When this happens it becomes very easy to dehumanize your spouse and become emotionally, physically, sexually and spiritually abusive. Second, family histories, if you grew up in an abusive environment you are more likely to end up in one as an adult. Third, if you are in an abusive relationship and staying in it as is then you need a reality check. An abusive marriage consists of a victim and an abuser. It literally takes two to allow an abusive relationship to exist. You must overcome these destructive tendencies. Basic issues need to be addressed in order to make a change.

First you need to clarify who and what and abuser and a victim are.

The Abuser

Have you thought about how your actions truly affect your partner? Even when you stop the abuse, the pain continues since you’ve trampled on your loved one’s heart and spirit.

An abuser is a both a coward and a bully. You choose to abuse where it is safe and in a place where you feel loved and protected. Would you exhibit the same behavior in your workplace or in a social situation?

Respect is commanded, not demanded. The shortest route to gaining respect is by giving respect. If you think degrading and belittling your partner commands respect, you’re wrong. You are simply demanding by imposing fear. This is not true respect.

Every abuser has excuses. While the excuses vary, one principle remains: You are abusing instead of being constructive.

If you want to recover you need to tell yourself, "I’m not going to take this from me anymore." Sit down with your partner and apologize for the wounds you have inflicted over time. Get some professional help and quit making excuses for your behavior. It won’t be easy, but it can change your life.

Healing is a process and will take patience and persistence, but you can do it if you set your mind to it.

The Victim

Take responsibility. You have unknowingly played a role in setting up the relationship this way and you must play a major role in changing it even if that means leaving. Tell your partner that the treatment is unacceptable and you will no longer tolerate it. Your actions will speak louder than words, so you must make bold moves. Change your routine and behavior and make it abundantly clear you will no longer take the abuse. Your goal should be to move out of being a victim with no power and to a survivor with set boundaries, hope and a clear picture of what is and what isn’t acceptable behavior.

There are no victims, only volunteers. Don’t just go along to get along. Peace at any price is not peace at all. Some individuals were victimized as children when they had no power, but things are different as adults. You do have the ability to become powerful and move away from the need to go along to get along. You and your partner can learn to rebuild your relationship or you and your partner need to separate.

Relationships are always up for renegotiation. Sit down with your partner and tell them you are taking a stand. You will not stay in the relationship if the abuse continues. Figure out how the both of you can take strides to make the relationship work. Always be prepared to walk away from the relationship if your partner refuses to bend.

Watch yourself and make sure you don’t fall back into the victim role.

by
Brian R. Smith
Author of, Losing Innocence
ISBN: 1-4241-0038-0
http://www.brianrsmith.net
also author of The Bastard’s Plaything