If you've been sexually abused during your childhood, the long-term effects may be devastating in ways that you are hardly even aware of. It may color every part of your life: your ability to love, your sexuality, your work and, most critical, your sense of self. And chances are you've been so busy just surviving that you may not have noticed the many other ways you've been hurt by the abuse.

Healing is difficult, but you can do it: Many women have. First your have to acknowledge that there are areas in your life that need healing. That is the beginning of your journey toward wholeness.

To help you continue the process,  I offer these steps:

Be kind to yourself. Many people don't realize that healing actually starts the minute the abuse stops and they become survivors. Given the horrible offense that's been done to you, you're fortunate to be alive. If you can function from day to day, you're doing very well. Many women do not survive sexual abuse. The pain is too intense, and they end up dead, killing themselves quickly by suicide or slowly with drugs, alcohol, unsafe sexual practices or abusive relationships.
Define what healing looks like. Many survivors have unrealistic expectations. They believe that somehow if you're healed you'll be perfect, never make mistakes and have wonderful relationships. But it's not like that.
For some women, healing may be getting through the day without crying. For others, it may be just getting through the day. The most important thing to remember about your healing is that it is a continuum, a process that takes time.
Allow yourself to feel. Once you've understood that what happened to you was not your fault, you will experience a powerful and liberating emotion: anger. You may not be comfortable with this anger, but you need to experience it and direct it squarely on your abuser and other adults who didn't protect you. The best thing you can do is channel your rage into acceptable activities, such as strenuous exercise, dance or art. The worst thing you can do is to turn it against yourself.
Keep a journal. All of the thoughts and feelings you have about the abuse will be too much for you to store in your head. So write them down on paper. This is especially important if you don't feel comfortable talking about how you feel; writing it down may be easier. And you don't have to use structured English. Jotting down snippets of thoughts and fragments of feeling is helpful.
Break your silence. To dispel some of the shame you have felt, it may help to tell someone what happened to you. You may want to talk to a loving friend or relative whom you can trust or with a counselor or a support group.
Before you confront your abuser, examine your expectations. Confronting your abuser and/or your family is not necessary to the healing process. In fact, some women will be better off not confronting them. Abusers tend to deny what happened or, worse, to blame the survivor. This can be extremely painful and disappointing.
You may find it easier to confront the secondary abuser - in the case of father - daughter incest, the mother who didn't protect you. But survivors are often disappointed when the mother denies that anything happened. Some experts say that nine times out of ten the mothers of abused children were also abused as children: She may not be able to deal with your abuse because it may bring up her own painful memories. So if you do decide to confront your abuser or other family members, do it for your own satisfaction, and keep your expectations low.

Read books written for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Two of the best are Outgrowing the Pain: A Book for and About Adults Abused as Children by Eliana Gil (Launch Press, 1983) and The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis (Harper Perennial, 1988).

Get help if you need it. For some women, especially those who are chronically depressed and constantly in pain and crisis, talking to a professional or to other incest survivors can be lifesaving. To get a referral for a therapist or support group in your area, call the Victims Services hot line, (800) 551-0008; to contact a local chapter of Survivors and Incest Anonymous, call (410)282-3400.

Julia Bond, a psychotherapist who co-facilitates the Black Women's Support Group in Seattle and the author of In the Company of My Sisters: Black Women and Self-Esteem (NAL/Dutton, 1993),