Have you ever had a revelation, insight or thought that you feel compelled to share? Well I did a few months ago, at the time I did not have the burning desire to share it but it keeps coming back to me that I need to share it. It is what I call one of my God defining moments. If you feel it is worth passing on to others then feel free to do so. I wanted to let you review it before I took it upon myself to post it. Here goes: 

As a child I was subjected to sexual abuse by my father. It took place over a number of years, I was seduced, there is not a better word for it. As far as I can remember there wasn't intercourse at a younger age, however, when I hit puberty the interest increased. There was continuous fondling, and seduction. When a young girl hits puberty her sexual awareness is heightened, she is already in love with her father and when the father shows interest in her sexually it makes her feel special, and awakens her desire , even if she knows that it is wrong! Keep in mind I am not talking about a violent sexual offense. When a girl is seduced from a young age, she is made to believe that she is special, she has feelings and desires that are normal, but as she gets older she knows that these feelings are wrong. They are normal feelings although we never speak about them because they are TABOO! They are alluded to but are never quite brought out in the open, even by professionals who are there to help. The problem is that  we tend to think that this seduction is about us personally, that it is something that we have done, if we were different then it wouldn't be happening, and we never dream that he is doing this to other girls, after all we are special. It can be devastating when we learn of other girls, much like finding out your spouse is having an affair.  I never thought that he wouldn't hurt other girls, this is not the case,  so now there more guilt added to the already mounting guilt. The revelation is that it was never about me, It was always about him, always was, always will be. I was never special I was convenient, if it wasn't me it would have and it was some other girl. I know that  when girls are counseled that they are told that it is not anything the have done, that it is not there fault, but unless we address the physical feelings issue, we are not getting the across to them. The type of sexual abuse that this applies to is the long term, and often never heard about abuse done in such a way that it is nothing short of seduction. There is a need in our society to bring this to the forefront and address it in this way. When we talk about child molesters we do not invoke the loving caring image that so many of them portray. I do not know if I have expressed this in a way that anyone but myself can understand and I am starting to ramble now. So take it for what it is worth and do with it as you will, but understand that I am 49 years old and up until recently never talked about the sexual feelings that I had when I was being subjected to this. I really feel that I am not the only one out there who has felt this way and if this helps someone deal with her past and put it behind her then it is the "WHY" I feel compelled to share my experiences.

I do talk about what happened to me when I was younger but I have never until recently shared the more complex feelings that I experienced. I am doing well and made a conscience decision years ago not to let what happened to me control my life, everything that has happened in my life up to this second has made me who I am today, it does not matter what has happened but what you do with those life experiences. I feel that I am being led to share my experience with others to help someone in need. I am a very spiritual person and feel that God has plans for me and that this part of his plan. You have my permission to publish. You might say that I am selective in who I have shared with in the past, I am not looking for help but to help others, although in the process I will probably receive my share of blessings. I came to terms with this issue years ago, but find that from time to time, I meet someone who reminds me and I discover new things about myself. It is a learning experience and I suppose that until the day I die I will discover new thoughts and feelings about this issue. I love my father and have learned thru the years to separate the man and my father. It is sometimes difficult to explain, often the only people who do understand are those who have had similar experiences. I have a good self image, love myself, and have good relationships with the opposite sex. But it took years to get to where I am today. I appreciate the concern for my well being but  if I were not ready to share these thoughts and feelings I wouldn't be doing so.  I share when I think it might help others, if I shared with everyone all the time it would only hurt others and not accomplish anything.  I feel that I shouldn't talk about something just to be talking about it but talk about it when there is  a purpose for it. There is a purpose for it now but I do not know what that propose is.

Thank you all
Love
Rhonda