"Passive
Men and Wild, Wild Women:
How We Can Enjoy Each Other Rather Than Going to
"War"
By Kare Anderson, Emmy-winner, author Beauty Inside
Out: 80 Ways to Become Positively
Unforgettable
Men aren't born passive. Women
aren't born wild. We just often evoke those
friction-building reactions in each other. Then war
breaks out.
Regarding dirty fighting, here's a gut instincts
research-based insight on why things often go sour
between the sexes, then four suggestions for
smoother, more satisfying communication:
At work, the man is active, articulate, proposing
and usually successful in his conversations,
especially with other men. But at home he
becomes inactive, inarticulate, and withdrawn.
He becomes passive with his wife. Even when
the woman works outside the home she tends to
communicate in a more active way at home. And
his passivity drives her crazy. In the face of
his further retreat, she goes wild. *
In personal relationships the woman appears to want
too much as the man sees it. She may act
bitter. He feels he can't meet her needs and
ends up feeling guilty and sulky. They both
end up blaming each other.
He thinks: If only she'd shut up.
She thinks: If only he'd talk to me.
Here's four ways women are more likely to engage men
in the positive, lively conversation we crave:
Tip #1
"Shut Up Sooner"
As a child my mother washed my mouth out with soup
for saying "shut up" yet that's sound
advice for women in trying to communicate to connect
with men.
We women would get closer to the men with whom we
work and live if we shut up sooner and more often.
When women feel that men are not listening, we tend
to "rise" to the occasion by raising our
voice and verbiage. That is we tend to say
more, faster, more intensely and at a higher volume.
It is as if we are thinking, "What I said and
how I said it did not work so I will do more of what
did not work, and expect a different outcome."
Our pace in conversation is faster and more
multi-dimensional. We rush past and around most men.
We need to allow a man to respond, a point at a
time, at his pace, without interrupting or finishing
his sentences.
If the strongest complaint women have about men is
that they do not listen, then we must work hardest
on leaving the time for them to speak.*
Tip #2
"Sidle"
While women prefer to talk, face-to-face, men prefer
to sidle, standing side by side. Research
shows that both women and men like each other more
and get along better when standing or sitting
side-by side.
Tip #3
"Get Moving"
Any woman who wants better relations with a man
should "walk it out": talk while walking
to the meeting, around the block, etc.
Further, when men and women are walking creating
together their body motions become more similar so
they get more in sync. Even vital signs (heart
beat, skin temperature, eye pupil dilation) become
more similar) so we feel a stronger kinship across
sexes.
In motion we tend to see the best, rather than the
worst side in the opposite sex. That's good
news.
Tip #4
"'See' the Situation Their Way"
Women crave longer and more continuous eye contact
than men. To help men feel more comfortable
let go of that unremitting eye gaze. Glance
away sometimes as a man is inclined to do while
thinking. His glance away does not necessarily
mean avoidance so don't act as if it does by a your
harsh tone, words or glance. He may be trying
to gather his thoughts.
Some Peace-Keeping Suggestions for Women and Men:
It is harder to argue when you are holding hands.
Know that showing appreciation and attention,
especially when you least want to show them and the
other person most needs them, will always bring you
closer than asking for them.
First look to the other person's positive intent as
you hear what is said.
Saying less often gets you more of what you want
from him.
Looking directly and warmly at her, rather than
away, often brings out the part of her you most
enjoy.
Making and keeping an agreement usually helps the
other person feel more safe, respected and cared for
in the relationship.
First try to act in a different and positive way
before you verbally ask for a change in someone
else.
Don't interrupt, especially when you most want to.
First answer the other person's question.
Answer it directly, without preface, qualifiers,
countering, second guessing, answering questions she
or he did not ask or raising other points first.
Do not answer a question with a question, including
questioning that person's question of you.
Find out whether the other person feels you've
answered her or his question or otherwise responded
adequately before you move onto your question or
another point or topic.
Showing resentment and resistance will most likely
escalate the hardening of sides between you.
Rather than describing what you don't like, ask for
a specific change.
Be willing to make a change before asking for one.
Don't ask for more than one change at a time, unless
you want them all ignored.
Know that the more changes you ask for the more
resistance
you'll face, and the more likely it will be for you
both go to your heads to think, rather than to your
hearts to feel.
Use factual language and few words to describe what
you want changed.
Use emotion-laden language, and more words, to
describe what you like in the other person.
Women: Say and move less, especially when you want
to do the opposite
Men. Give her more eye contact. If you
don't feel comfortable answering her right away,
tell her so directly. Then tell her when you
will get back to her with a response.
In the middle of your hottest moments of discussion,
remember what you most like in the other person and
take the time to express it.
Of course all these wise pieces of advice are much
easier to offer than to live by.
Kare
Anderson is a trailblazer in media, business,
and politics and a former journalist for the Wall
Street Journal, Le Monde, UPI,
and other newspapers. Kare was Pacific Telesis'
first Wideband and Cable Division Director, a
co-founder of a national public affairs and
advertising firm, and now president of the Say it
Better Center. In government, she was a state
senator's chief of staff, co-founder of nine
political action committees and appointed
commissioner. Kare's a frequent strategic
communication coach to leaders in business and
government. Visit her website http://sayitbetter.com
