Peace-Keeping Suggestions
for Women and Men
by Kare Anderson, co-founder of
SavvyHer, Emmy-winning former NBC and Wall Street Journal reporter and author of LikeABILITY ~
SayitBetter.com
It is harder to argue when you are holding hands.
. Know that showing appreciation and attention, especially when you least want to show them and the other person most needs them, will always bring you closer than asking for them.
. First look to the other person's positive intent as you hear what what is said.
. Saying less often gets you more of what you want from him.
. Looking directly and warmly at her, rather than away, often brings out the part of her you most enjoy.
. Making and keeping an agreement usually helps the other person feel more safe, respected and cared for in the relationship.
. First try to act in a different and positive way before you verbally ask for a change in someone else.
. Don't interrupt, especially when you most want to.
. First answer the other person's question. Answer it directly, without preface, qualifiers, countering, second guessing, answering questions she or he did not ask or raising other points first.
. Do not answer a question with a question, including questioning that person's question of you.
. Find out whether the other person feels you've answered her or his question or otherwise responded adequately before you move onto your question or another point or topic.
. Showing resentment and resistance will most likely escalate the hardening of sides between you.
. Rather than describing what you don't like, ask for a specific change.
. Be willing to make a change before asking for one.
. Don't ask for more than one change at a time, unless you want them all ignored.
. Know that the more changes you ask for the more resistent you'll face, and the more likely it will be for you both go to your heads to think, rather than to your hearts to feel.
. Use factual language and few words to describe what you want changed.
. Use emotion-laden language, and more words, to describe what you like in the other person.
. Women: Say and move less, especially when you want to do the opposite
. Men: Give her more eye contact. If you don't feel comfortable answering her right away, tell her so directly. Then tell her when you will get back to her with a response.
. In the middle of your hottest moments of discussion, remember what you most like in the other person and take the time to express it.
.Of course all these apparently wise pieces of advice are much easier to offer than to live by.
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* More Thoughts on the Still Man and the Active Woman:
Joseph Heller wrote a vivid passage about what this feels like for a man in his novel, "Something Happened": "I try my best to remember on what terms (my wife) and I parted this morning, or went to sleep last night, in order to know if she is still angry with me for something I did or did not say or do that I a no longer aware of. Is she mad or is she glad? I can't remember. And I am unable to tell. So I remain on guard . "
Consequently his routine around her begins by being on guard, walking on eggshells, and hers is to speak out more, sooner, longer and wait for him to "get it", to respond. When he doesn't, she escalates her attack, gets more specific and detailed, motivated to get him to finally respond. He gets overwhelmed and tunes out sooner, longer and more frequently.
You see something gradually changed. The tenderness left. And tenderness is the lubricant in male/female love relationships. Early in a relationship men and women are innocent until proven guilty. We literally don't see what we do not want to see and focus on what we adore. Later, after repetitive "passive men and wild, wild women" episodes of friction, each person is guilty until proven innocent, from the beginning. Because that is what we grow to expect of each other and act out to prove each other right.
The rules now? Whatever he does is now never enough. Right or wrong, he is always wrong. And so is she.
Kare
Anderson is a trailblazer in media, business,
and politics and a former journalist for the Wall
Street Journal, Le Monde, UPI,
and other newspapers. Kare was Pacific Telesis'
first Wideband and Cable Division Director, a
co-founder of a national public affairs and
advertising firm, and now president of the Say it
Better Center. In government, she was a state
senator's chief of staff, co-founder of nine
political action committees and appointed
commissioner. Kare's a frequent strategic
communication coach to leaders in business and
government. Visit her website http://sayitbetter.com
