This is my story about my struggle with self injury.
I decided to write this to help other people
understand why I do this, and maybe educate some
people. This is my first piece of writing like this,
and I’ve always had trouble talking about these
things, so please bear with me
.
I have been through quite a lot
throughout my 23 years on this earth, from living
with an abusive mother to sexual abuse, and I now
suffer from quite a few mental diseases, but none of
these were really what made me start on the road to
self-destruction. It was mainly from pain I felt
inside, and the way I felt so worthless.
It was at school when I first
injured myself. I was feeling bad about myself, I
can’t remember why, and I can’t remember how I
came up with the idea of hurting myself either, all
I know is that I just took my pencil sharpener
apart, and with the blade I cut my arm. I felt such
a release when I’d done, it was real pain, pain
that I could fix, pain that I could heal and
nurture, and finally make go away. It felt so good,
and so real. I felt like a real person again.
Of course the feeling didn’t
last for long, and so started a seemingly never
ending cycle.
People always say well why
don’t you try this and that to cope with what
you’re going through, and I did, but nothing ever
worked, and nothing ever made everything go away
like the cutting. So it was the only thing I had.
All the time I was doing this,
I was hiding it, it was my secret. A secret that I
wasn’t proud of, a secret that I wanted to stop,
but had no way of doing so. I was trapped by it and
there was no one to turn to. I felt so alone and
alienated, it was all my fault, and that made me
feel worse, so I’d cut again.
There were only a few people I
ever told about it, one of them was my brother, he
didn’t really understand about it, but he was
there for me if I needed him. I talked about it to
him, and he was supportive, he helped a lot, and
even though I still did it I felt better that I
still had someone there.
Letting anyone know brought
with it other problems. Because they knew it was
happening, every time I hurt myself, I was now
hurting them too. I couldn’t stand the thought of
hurting the people who care about me again and
again, so I decided to get help.
I see a psychologist regularly
now, not just about my self-injury, but other things
too. I am slowly learning that it’s alright to be
who I am, and feel what I feel. I slowly stopped the
self-injury, even though I still go into
self-destructive phases, it’s still not as bad as
injuring myself every week.
I now see a way to get through
my life, a way to start it again if you like, and
although I still have quite a few problems, I know
that one day I may have a chance of being where I
want to be. I know now that I have a chance to be
happy, just like everyone else.
by
Yagami-Sama©2006
Me?
The mirror in front of me shows all my fears,
The things that make me different from them,
The things I force to disappear.
I put on a mask, to become someone new,
Someone that's just like them,
If only they all knew.
Deep inside I'm screaming, just wanting to escape,
Just wanting to be the real me again,
Instead of living in this falsified state.
But I know they'd never accept the way I like to be,
It's not the way that they are,
But why can't I be me?
by
Yagami-Sama ©2005
=============================================
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Yagami-Sama is the owner of two websites Lost
Innocence http://www.yagami-sama.co.uk
and
Itamu
Tenshi (An Injured Angel) http://www.yagami-sama.co.uk/fan/
