Rejection is the Pits - You Don't Have to Live There!
I was snagged by Lori's article title "Celebrate every chance you get!" And then the very 1st sentence really grabbed me, "Most of us are mesmerized by rejection (that's because it allows us evidence for the validity of our negative thinking." The "R" word - the bugaboo of my entire life. After almost 60 years - almost 25 of them spent in some kind of counseling or therapy off and on for one thing or another (is that vague enough?), I have discovered that I wasted a good number of those years not only being mesmerized by rejection but being held captive by it. Maybe a better description is "wearing it like a badge" - you know, "look at me, I can't do anything right so you can feel sorry for me and
NOT BLAME ME!" That was the biggy - I hated being blamed for anything, especially if it was something I absolutely didn't do and I hated even worse being rejected for any reason - because then it was my fault - get the never-ending vicious picture?? Well, I finally learned that not everything is my fault and just because people are disappointed in a failure doesn't mean it was mine!! What a freeing thought that was. It took me a long time to accept it and really internalize it and even to this day, I have to fight off the feeling that, when something goes wrong it's all my fault and everybody believes that and blames me - well, you get the picture.
I have a long story I'll tell at some point, but for now, suffice it to say, I have wallowed far too long in that pit! While I still regularly find myself at the edge of the deep hole that rejection throws you in, I find I'm much better at recognizing the spot I'm in -
AGAIN - and also a lot better at finding something else to do than fall over the edge or jump in with both feet! What I find to do now has been drummed into my head by my therapist and by my best friend (who just may be the best priest in the Episcopal Church) and that is to do just what Lori said -
CELEBRATE EVERY CHANCE I GET!! It's not as easy as it sounds because I have to watch carefully lest I fall back into the other pit where I lived when I wasn't in the rejection pit - that's the "justifiable excuse" pit, you know, where you find every reason why something happened or didn't go right. That's where you keep your little "blame-it-on" book filled with people and events and unavoidable circumstances that are really to blame for what went wrong. This pit is where I used to go when I'd get really sick of the rejection pit. I couldn't climb out so I took the only other way out - the adjoining door marked "it's not your fault, blame it on xxxxxxx." This is a huge suite down there and I discovered I could wander around down there for a long time without really needing to get out because the 2nd door - the alternative to rejection - felt pretty good for awhile. But when I finally realized that there was a way out of the rejection pit that was actually more pleasant than blaming it on the bossanova or whatever, I began to work really hard at staying on this side of that steep and slippery slope into rejection city.
So, this is what I do - I'll freely admit it - I talk to myself. I'm single, live alone and the only way I can talk myself back from the edge is to tell myself that I did the best I could do and there were other factors and people involved so whatever the result was, I was most likely not solely responsible for it, whether it was a good response or a bad one - this helps keep you humble too! But the other thing I have to do is
CELEBRATE - not just daily but hourly, even more often. Sometimes my son (34 yrs old) says to me, "Mom you're like a little child - why are you so excited that your web site come up on the 1st page of Google?" Well, what does he know about how big that is? But, I guess he just hasn't learned the absolute necessity of taking joy in the littlest good thing. It's the only way to keep a room upstairs in the penthouse, which is as far away from the rejection pits as one can get. That's where I want to live and celebrate every day because that's where I find myself being the best I can be.
By
Susan Bowman ©2006
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