Greetings Ladies

At the end of my last article I mentioned that my next article would be on the topic of post partum depression. Well, I know that changing ones mind is usually reserved strictly for women but,

I just couldn't help myself here. I mean, do you really want to discuss post partum depression when there are so many, more interesting topics. I can only hope your answer is no and that nobody was sitting on the edge of their seat waiting for my next article. OK. My new topic is " Women and Self Esteem. The reason that I have chosen this topic is because, and this is a bit scary, I have just recently begun a new relationship with a wonderful lady whom I truly love and I immediately noticed a bit of a self esteem issue with her. You see, she has just managed to escape a very abusive relationship of six years where part of her husbands daily routine was to make sure that she didn't get a chance to feel good about herself or anything that she had done that day. She knew in her heart that she did not want to spend her life with this man but she lacked the self confidence that she needed to leave him and go out on her own. She was afraid to try life on her own because he had her convinced that without him, she was nothing. His demands on her were overwhelming and no matter how hard she tried to please him it was never enough. He told her that she was not pretty but, she is beautiful. He told her that she was stupid but, I find her to be quite intelligent and witty as well. He controlled every single aspect of her entire life including her friends, which she was allowed to have none. How she spent her time, which was confined to her home until he came home and let her out. He literally placed chairs in certain positions at the doors so that he could tell if she had moved any of them to get outside during his absence. OK. I think you get the message here and I have a sneaking suspicion that if you haven't been in this type of a relationship yourself , then you know of someone who has. Ladies, if this scenario sounds even the least bit familiar to you it is time to make some serious changes in your life and the first change is to get rid of the (*^#@* in your life. God bless any woman who has had to live like this and hopefully, together, we will find a way out for her.

As I have it planned right now, this article will be the first of a three part series where we will first, try to find out how one would get herself into this situation. Second, why would she stay in this situation for more than say, Thirty seconds. And third but certainly not any less important, how will she get out of this hell that she has been so mistakenly referring to as a life. I hope that this study will help someone find her way to real happiness. Ladies, life is way too short to spend your time trying to find happiness. You have a God given right to be happy and no one has the right to take away even a single minute of your happiness. So, with all of that said, I think I'll take a nap now. No No No. Bad joke. I'm sorry for that one. If you are ready to embark on this learning experience, so am I. Believe me, this will be an experience too. I know I'll be going somewhere I have never been before and I truly hope that this journey will take us all to a happier place. A happier you. A happier life. Here we Go.

Women And Self Esteem : Part One

Greetings Ladies

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Bill Vanderbilt. I will be doing a series of articles having to do with mental health and women. I am not a mental health professional and I do not give specific advice on mental health issues. I am a mental health advocate / consumer. I have been involved with advocacy work for about ten years now and involved in mental health treatment, for myself, for about twenty five years. My main objective is to spread the message of hope to those who are suffering by researching and studying the different aspects of mental illness and disorders and then sharing what I have learned with others who are interested. So, this will be a learning experience for me as well as for anyone who takes part in this project. I will occasionally relate to you my personal experience and I always welcome your questions and comments. Please feel free to share with us anything that you would like to add to our discussions.

Over the years during my involvement with mental health I have observed one very common characteristic among those with any type of a mental disorder. That is the lack of self esteem. In fact, the lack of self esteem ,by itself, can be quite debilitating even without a specific diagnosis of a mental disorder. Having a low self esteem can rob you of the joy and happiness that you are supposed to experience in your life. Women are particularly prone to problems with self esteem due to the fact they often must play a wide variety of roles in their daily lives. Women are in the workforce. They are the primary caretakers of the children. They are most often the role models for their children due to the fact that they are most likely the one responsible for the children whether in a marriage or outside of marriage. Because of the many roles women must play they are more likely than men to be criticized for not doing things right. As we all know, men are much more likely to be critical of women than the other way around. Ouch. Did I really just say that? Well, be that as it may, lets move on.

Poor self esteem most often begins at a very young age. When children are punished for doing wrong but not praised for doing right, this can seriously affect ones self esteem. When children aren't nurtured and shown the love and support that they need, the self esteem is not developed. Little girls have to live with a double standard while growing up also. For example, when boys first begin to show an interest in sex, it is considered manly, even a right of passage. When girls show that same degree of interest in sex, even at the same age as the boys, they are most likely made to feel ashamed. This can be very damaging to her self esteem and actually have an effect on the way she perceives herself as a person. I am going to go now, to a few professional resources for some more information about how women actually begin to lose their self esteem and what effect it has on their lives.

Women and Self Esteem

by Mary Ragan, CSW

It was Vita Sackville-West who once wrote:

"I worshiped dead men for their strength,

Forgetting I was strong."

 

The Oxford English Dictionary gives the primary definition of self-esteem as a "favorable appreciation or opinion of oneself." One of the most widely publicized definitions of self-esteem is given in Toward a State of Esteem: The Final Report of the California Task Force to Promote Self and Personal and Social Responsibility . "Self-esteem is defined as appreciating my own worth and importance and having the character to be accountable for myself and to act responsibly toward others" (1990.)

Recent research on self esteem shows a positive correlation between healthy self-esteem and the following qualities: realism, intuitiveness, creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change, willingness to admit mistakes, benevolence, and cooperativeness. Poor self-esteem correlates with: blindness to reality, rigidity, fear of the new and unfamiliar, inappropriate conformity or inappropriate rebelliousness, defensiveness, over-controlling behavior, hostility towards others (Brandon, 199, p. 5).

The question arises, then, whether dealing with men or with women: How is healthy self-esteem nurtured and developed? Brandon (1994), citing Stanley Coopersmith's important study The Antecedents of Self-Esteem, reminds us that there is no significant correlation between positive self-esteem and such factors as family wealth, education, geographic living area, social class, father's occupation, or always having mother at home. What Coopersmith did find to be significant was the quality of the relationship between the child and the important adults in his/her life (p. 172). More specifically, Coopersmith found five correlations associated with high self-esteem in children:

the child experiences total acceptance of thoughts, feelings and the value of his/her person;

the child operates in a context of clearly defined limits that are fair, non-oppressive and negotiable;

the child experiences respect for his/her dignity as a human person. The parents do not use violence or humiliation to ridicule or control or manipulate. The parents are willing to negotiate family rules within limits; the parents uphold high expectations in terms of behavior and performance; the child is challenged to be the best he or she can be; the parents themselves tend to enjoy a high level of self-esteem. They model self-efficacy and self-respect.

One quality characteristic of those with high self-esteem is appropriate risk-taking. This quality of risk-taking, and how it informs self-esteem, is especially important in women's development since female socialization often does not reward risk. Cantor and Benay (1992) in their study of Women in Power: The Secrets of Leadership speak of risk as involving a search for opportunities that will bring a greater sense of purpose as well as more joy, zest, and love into our lives (p 165). This sense of internal liveliness enables us to accomplish tasks more easily and in the process to feel more satisfied, more competent, more confident, and have greater self-esteem. End of copied material.

So Ladies, with respect to how one would get herself into a situation where her self esteem could be compromised, it seems that there was somewhat of a predisposition going into the relationship to begin with. This brings to mind another observation that I have made during support group meetings that I have either attended or personally chaired in the past. It seems to me that for every woman with low self esteem , there is at least one man that seems to prey on this type of women. I call them buzzards because just like those big , ugly birds, these men just seem to circle around searching for that poor wounded, defenseless little creature who they can devour with the least amount of effort. A perfect example of this is when a woman has just recently come to the end of what was once a loving relationship. She is vulnerable, often lonely and many times, easy prey for that smooth talking sweetheart of a man that shows up at the perfect time. Well, this might be the perfect time for him but, ladies, this is one time in your life that you must be on guard. I am a man in the purest sense of the word but even I know that the intentions of man are not always what they seem. Hmmm. This makes me wonder if there are any female buzzards. I'm sure there must be but, that will have to be another discussion on another day. In the meantime, what ever that means, I welcome any comments that you might have on what we have touched on so far. Please don't hurt me now. I know I am a man but, it wasn't my fault. LOL

Yours Truly,
Bill