Greetings Ladies

   Well, as promised, here is part 2 of Women and Self Esteem. Part 1 was about how women get into a situation where their self esteem is destroyed. Now we are going to examine what it is that keeps women in these situations. For the sake of having examples to show the ill effects of low self esteem I am using " the abusive relationship ". The # 1 most asked question of women involved in an abusive relationship is " why do you stay ". Well, this is the question that we are going to find the answers to. If you have been in an abusive relationship you might already know some of these answers. If you have not ever been in an abusive relationship, I think you will be very surprised at why some women stay. I truly hope that this journey into "low self esteem" will help someone recognize the signs and help guide them out of the situation that traps so many women in a life of pain and despair.

   Nearly all of us know someone who is in an abusive relationship. Well, the # 1 answer to this question is "I am still hopeful and I love him". Now, if ever there was an answer that only led to more questions, this is it. My first response to this answer used to be "how could you be hopeful. I mean even if the abuse stops, how could you ever escape the memories of it and how could you ever come to believe that it will never happen again." To me, it looks like the best case scenario leaves you with at least the fear of it happening again. Even if that man never hits you again for the rest of your life, wouldn't you still have spent your life in fear, always wondering if and when it will happen again? You may be able to forgive but, will you ever be able to forget. I doubt it.

   My response to the other part of this answer, "I still love him" used to be, "How could you possibly love someone that has hurt you so much?" Well, I never ask that question anymore because we all know how blind love can be and how illusive love is. Something that I found out a long time ago about love is that if I felt like I needed someone in my life, I most likely didn't really love her. Now that I am older and wiser I have come to believe that if I merely want someone in my life, I have a much better chance of truly loving her. We have all heard the old cliché, " You must first love yourself before others can love you."  Well, I believe this is true. When I needed the woman who was my wife, I was not a whole person. I was dependent on her for at least part of my happiness and well being. This feeling of need caused me to feel like less of a man than I wanted to be. I felt weak and dependent and I wanted to feel strong and independent. Over time, this feeling of needing her in my life began to wear on my self esteem which led me to resenting her. To complicate things even more, my wife was going through the same kind of feelings that I was and she began to resent me just like I did her. So, our marriage was not a happy one right from the beginning, yet we stayed married for 17 years. Looking back on those years now I can see what kept us together for so long. It wasn't love. It wasn't for the sake of the children or the economics of having only one household to support. It was the lack of self esteem on both of our parts. Neither of us could believe that we could make it without the other. Ironic isn't it? Low self esteem is what doomed our marriage from the beginning but at the same time, it was responsible for keeping us together for so long. So, enough about my own personal experience with low self esteem. Lets get into some facts and figures now.

 Why Do Women Stay in Abusive Relationships?

The reasons women stay in abusive relationships are very complicated. There are a wide range of emotional feelings that allow the abuse to continue and prevent the woman from leaving. Here are a few reasons that women stay in an abusive relationship:

Fear - Women fear the physical harm that might come if they attempt to leave.

Love - Women may truly have deep feelings for the abusive partner.

Promises - Promises that this abuse will never happen again.

Abuse = Love - Confusion between being loved and being controlled by their partner.

Guilt - Being made to think that the abuse is their fault, that they have the problem.

Not Being Believed - A strong fear that nobody will believe them if they speak out against the abuse.

Thinking They Can Change Them - The belief that over time the woman can change the abusive partner.

Low Self-Esteem - After being in an abusive relationship there is a feeling that they can do no better than their current relationship.

Being Alone - To end the relationship could mean a loss of mutual friends, relatives and others associated with the relationship. 

Financial - Money, children and no place to go also hold women in these relationships.

Over 50% of all women will experience physical violence in an intimate relationship, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence's website (1999). Historically, wife abuse occurred frequently; however, because women were considered property these crimes were not taken seriously. Our societal beliefs have changed so that we now object to such barbarism. In the past couple of decades, our society is finally beginning to recognize that an alarming number of women are in abusive relationships. Many feel trapped and terrified while others dutifully tolerate the abuse. Still others feel they actually deserve the abuse because their sense of self-worth is so low. Statistics show that abusers and victims grew up in abusive homes and these couples perpetuate the problem by raising children in an atmosphere of violence, thus creating individuals who often continue the cycle of abuse. Women in abusive relationships do not leave promptly because of cultural beliefs, economic factors and personal fears; as long as these factors remain, a cycle of violence will continue.

     There are many personal fears that go along with leaving an abusive relationship. Women in these abusive situations "may develop 'learned helplessness' as a result of their general dependency and low self-esteem" (Richmond-Abbott, 1992, 237). Sometimes these victimized women move from one abusive situation to the next, desperate to be with a man—any man—so great is the fear of being alone. Some women find themselves to be caught in a double bind: they fear men, yet they fear being alone. Women feel vulnerable without a man to protect them. The feelings of being helpless and incapable are often magnified because of the abuse the woman has withstood. Many women fear for their lives and the lives of their children if they try to leave the abuser. Abusive husbands may threaten injury and death for wives who try to leave the relationship. If a woman leaves the home and her possessions and children, she can be charged with "desertion" and may lose her belongings and her children (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1999). Many people optimistically and naively suggest that the wife file for an order of protection, but many abusive husbands do not fear these orders and most victimized women realize this. Victims know the abuser will simply break into the woman's place of residence, threaten, beat and abuse her and leave before the police have a chance to arrive. Most women cannot remain in the family home if they want to leave the relationship, they must locate a domestic violence shelter which can protect them and assist the women in getting their lives together. These shelters often have long waiting lists and the woman must tolerate abuse as she secretly plans to leave. It is horrifying that women must endure this kind of abuse.

     The cycle of violence continues because personal fears, economic factors and cultural beliefs cause women to stay in abusive relationships much longer than they should. We must strive to abolish these damaging factors because no one deserves to be abused. Each and every individual—men, women and children—must be educated and assured of their value and worth as human beings. Perhaps then we can work on breaking the cycle of abuse in our society and make better lives for our future generations.  

    Well Ladies,does any of this sound familiar to you? The following link will take you to a page where you can actually test your self esteem. It might prove very helpful if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable in a relationship. It could be very helpful if you find yourself feeling trapped in a relationship where you are afraid of being abused or are being abused.

 http://www.selfesteem4women.com/site/entry.php?obj=tuset

Well Ladies, this concludes Part 2 of this series on Women and Self Esteem. If you happen to be one of those ladies with low self esteem, I hope that this will help you find ways to improve your feelings of self worth. If you are fine but know someone who might be suffering from low self esteem, I hope that you will share this information with them. It is all about people helping people. The wonderful thing about helping others acquire some self esteem is that whenever you help someone else, it boosts your own self esteem as well. Kind of a win win situation don't you think? Just remember this. Life is way too short for you not to find happiness as soon as possible. Low self esteem can rob you of the joy and happiness that you so truly deserve. If you are in an abusive relationship, most likely it would be best if you get out right away. If you love him too much to give up on him, then I suggest that you just kick him out temporarily. If he is ever going to really change, he will be able to do it without your help. You see, most often, the abuser also has a problem with low self esteem and if you allow him to be dependent on you to "help him change" his self esteem will never improve. Before you let him come back home, make sure that he doesn't  "need you anymore" but merely "wants you". I know for me, it is a full time job taking care of my own insecurities. The lady in my life has to be able to take care of her own.

Anything short of this would mean that both "need each other" and life is so much more fun when we just WANT EACH OTHER.

   Take care now Ladies and I wish you all the happiness that this old world has to offer.

May a smile follow you to sleep each night,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

           and be there waiting,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

                           when you awaken. 

      

Yours Truly,
Bill